I'm at a stage where I can't organise my thoughts, which is not surprising. I want to talk about everything, but I don't know where to start and in what order. I feel all over the place, again not surprising.
It's so pointless, unpleasant and stifling to complain all the time. It's the same from the reader's point of view. Nobody likes to listen to other people's problems. But I feel I can't help criticising things. In fact, I think I express what I don't like about myself by attributing it to external elements.
First of all, I try to focus on the good things in life. For example, my favourite band has released a new single and an album is coming out in September. This is big news that seems small. Because I can understand both the challenging side of art and the weight of responsibility of doing it on a regular basis, just as I feel when I spend time editing my fiction. Also, the fact that I am writing this article a day later than usual is enough to tickle my brain.
The concept of patience comes to mind. I remember that creating art is not easy, that it may not always work out the way we want it to. This is true for everyone, no matter what we do.
On the other hand, there is one structure that annoys me: the impatience of consumers. Everyone's desire to access something as quickly as possible annoys me. To eat, drink, listen, read, watch, play, consume as quickly as possible... Isn't that a gluttonous desire? It's also very unseemly. When it comes to this, everyone behaves as if they are going to die tomorrow, but at the same time they complain about the inactivity in their lives. It's very hypocritical to have both.
Then I don't fail to aim the arrows of criticism at myself; after all, it's the highest quality activity that I do frequently on a daily basis and that makes my life a living hell.
Are there any issues that make me impatient? It used to be more often, but I have made my life so stagnant that I often don't know what I want, not only from others, but even from myself. Sometimes I don't even have the strength to say "Let's hope for something": what will be, will be.
Then, of course, my personal thoughts get caught up in a ball of socially accepted thoughts. These are some of the things that every individual is "supposed to" do. There is no need to mention them by name: either you are facing them, or you have already overcome them and are struggling with other social obligations.
It seems that neither the disease of consumerism nor impatience will come to an end. Individuals will continue to demand things from others, and societies will continue to demand things from individuals, only to throw them away and consume them as if they were their own toys. On the other hand, personal nightmares will not end, simply because every sleep cycle will be pregnant with new ones.
That's why I avoid most people, always keeping my distance, sometimes unconsciously, no matter how close they are.
Of course, this feeling also spreads within me. It is not just that I know what I want, I feel that I am constantly falling into a feeling of emptiness that I cannot name. It is very exhausting to struggle with the same thoughts, to live the same days, to be aware of them but to succumb to laziness and not to create an answer.
I have had such times and I am sure I will have such times. Because even at the lowest or highest point of my life (I don't know what they were, I just assume that they must have been) I felt like this. I always have to explain to the outside world and to myself that "this is my nature".
In those moments you get stuck in the past and in the mire of the future. I know it was different a few years ago, it is different now and it will be different then, but you always live in the moment and you want concrete proof.
Photo by Gary Meulemans on Unsplash
Life is a cycle, I'm sure of it, and it has a balance structure that tends to tilt in a different side all the time. The weight will not always be there, nor will it always be here. I cling to that thought, I cling to the future, I cling to the future when I should be living in the moment, but I know I can't just cling to the future without doing something in the moment. I get lost in this dilemma every day. And I hate this situation.
As I fall into my own personal black hole, I know that everyone has such situations. But that doesn't make my situation any better. In such situations, people always say, "You're not the only one," and they are right. But most of the time it doesn't work because other people don't matter at that moment. You just want to find a cure for this thing, whatever it is, somehow.
Yes, what I have written so far is exactly the opposite of what I said at the beginning: "Nobody likes to listen to other people's problems”.
But I just feel so relieved when I write.
I wrote this on purpose because I needed to get something out. There's no one to talk to, so I'm writing on a blank page. Well, who would want to listen even if there was? Anyway, this place is mine and this is how I wrote it this time. If anyone has to read it tomorrow, they will say, "Oh, he was mortal and ordinary like everyone else. He was a pedant who made random remarks".
Lack of something, needs, gaps...
I think these create personal black holes. I am in the situation of Edna in the Awakening book. Like this...
Writing is healing. You told me that. Or rather, you wrote about it. I believe it too. Just write nonsense when you write.
I'm going to say something very clichéd, but time heals everything. We live what we have to live. Let's get out of these black holes as soon as possible. I hope so.