Last week I found myself reading more than ever, and to ensure that this was not limited to Medium, I diversified into various forums. Meanwhile, I felt the need to focus on a subject that has been constantly and involuntarily on my mind: Giving up.
I felt a little strange and sad to see so many headlines on the subject. I think I can say that I read thousands of comments. Everyone poured out their reluctance, excuses, sadness, in their own way, and wanted an answer that would ease their conscience or perhaps remedy these situations.
But as I became curious and read on, I saw that similar thoughts were becoming a pile rather than an answer. It seemed boring, and I can even say that I was overwhelmed as I read. When too many negative feelings started to accumulate, I tried to look at it from a different angle.
No matter who we are — age, lifestyle or financial status — we all have problems. What’s more, we see them in the things we all work on, sweat over and devote time to on a regular basis, and they’re probably the things that are on our agenda the most. After all, no one wakes up to embrace failure. In fact, although it is a possibility, we generally prefer to turn our faces in the other direction.
Over time I have approached my life through the subjects I have been engaged with. Whatever I read, I look for the connections I can make with writing, reading, thinking and researching, which are the subjects I spend the most time on and value wholeheartedly, and I examine what I find. In this way I try to draw a path for my life with the output of answers and logical thoughts that come from both myself and the combination of such different interpretations and feelings.
So I thought it would be appropriate to look at it in a different way, and I started to look at “Why does a person give up?” rather than “How do we stop giving up?”. Because, as we all know, sometimes it is necessary to understand the question in order to find the answer. So let’s analyse the main reasons why someone might give up. These are the most common ones in the comments I read.
1. We Expect Fast Results
This may sound childish, but the truth is different. Admittedly, it is a fact that this was more pronounced in our younger years. The expression on our faces when we heard that a task we had undertaken might take years to complete would have been an indication that we were about to give up and lose all will.
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As life has shown us that things can take time, and as our personalities have come to accept the reality of daily life, we have come to accept this as normal. What I have noticed, however, is that people begin to feel this way at points that can be considered new to them and that can really excite them.
Let’s take an example. When you start a new project in your regular job, your threshold for expecting quick results may be lower. This is because you know how things work in terms of time, you have enough experience in this area, or perhaps this work does not require your skills at all. On the other hand, if it is something you are experiencing for the first time, something you have been waiting to do for years and finally have the opportunity to do, or something you eager to share with others as soon as possible, we are likely to feel this way, regardless of our life experience. What we say for a young person is similar for all groups of people, and the desire to speed things up is predominant.
2. We Lose Faith in Ourselves and Underestimate Our Value
Now, we should not ignore the fact that although what I have read is common to everyone globally, the influence of local cultures, friends, family environment and character is undoubtedly present. So I think it would be more useful to read some of the categorisations in a common way. So I wanted to look at the two together.
First of all, speaking from experience, both seem to me to be problems that arise individually. There may be situations in which we feel inadequate as human beings. There have been many things in our lives that we have not been able to do, even when we have tried very hard. Maybe we are not good at it, so what?
I believe that the inability to overcome the negativity of these develops in our childhood. That’s why I thought it appropriate to give examples of the elements that build our personalities above. The pressure from family members, the success of our environment (friends, peers, acquaintances) and us being at a relatively low point, or the harsh impositions of culture and social rules that we do not feel we belong to… Although not the only ones, these were the main values whose impact was obvious and which I came across many times in the comments.
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Over time, our failures are imposed on us by others, consciously or unconsciously (e.g. the need to earn a financial income, the need to persist in the subject one is working on before reaching a certain age, or to be the most recognised and trusted person in a position), and when we are unable to achieve them, our inner questioning increases. I find this inevitable.
When these questionings are negative and performed individually and not shared with others (remember, others are successful or at a certain level, so we don’t have the courage to talk to them), they escalate. We wait for this avalanche of inner turmoil to erupt (to get help or to share and relax), but when it does not, it leaves a mark on our character that will not change. We begin to accept that our value is always lower. We confirm this to ourselves and treat it as a part of us, and we have neither the will nor the courage to take on other tasks.
Unfortunately, if we do not have faith in ourselves while the life we live is ours, we give birth to one of the fastest ways to give up.
3. We Attach to the Past and Fear the Future and Change
I don’t want to prolong this article, but I can’t fail to mention another devastating blow. This is the part where we tend to say “unfortunately” and “if only” when we regret something. To be honest, this was the part that affected me the most, and it still does from time to time. But I guess it’s not the same as it used to be, or it’s out of place because of other problems.
First of all, I should point out that the main reason why this situation is often mentioned in the comments I read is that the age range of the people on the forum is mostly 25–45. Obviously, none of us are happy with the way things are going, and our yearning for the past remains.
But in a general context, even if we do not take into account parameters such as age, lifestyle or financial status, it is not difficult to say that this is the case, is it? Even though the online media here is aimed at a specific audience, there are people with similar thoughts from everywhere. It is inevitable that the salad of clichés, old memories and happy times will be presented to us without exception.
These repeated feelings, especially when we cannot engage in a current activity, begin to linger in our minds. It acts like an addiction, a temporary happiness hormone that we need to inject into our bodies when we feel sad, inadequate or numb. But what happens when we overdose? We become an obsessive individual and interrupt the construction of our life. It is a difficult situation to get out of. That’s why I repeat the recommendation to do a nostalgic cleansing.
Photo by Mizanur Rahman on Unsplash
Let’s turn from the past to the future. Although the past contains all our experiences, i.e. the times when we were conscious, the future is just as full of uncertainty and randomness. It is difficult to predict, full of surprises (both good and bad) and very worrying, especially for people who live in constant fear. Yes, this is so because what happens in the future, whatever we are heading towards (or what is coming towards us), may not be similar to what we have already experienced. These novelties can be an ordeal for people who are afraid of change.
So what do we do when we are afraid? Instinctively we know we have two choices, either to fight back or to flight. If we have the strength or courage to attack, we sometimes have a chance to see what the future has to offer; those of us who are afraid of change often feel that running away is a necessity. This leads to never being able to welcome change, never being able to step into the unknown, and never being able to turn life in a different direction. When we give up, we disrupt the course of our lives or, worse, halt it altogether.
The strange thing is that we cannot escape until the end. For life does not wait for anyone. We either have to go with the flow or drown in the tide… Sometimes all we need is a single fathom.
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